christmas: post apocalypse 2012

we survived the apocalypse that was a lie to begin with. i know now that i write this we will all die in flames. i'm sorry humanity. i'm also just kidding.
today i woke up alone with my dog at my feet in an apartment that isn't mine. i'm stranded, by choice, so i'm told by the loving roommate that kicked me out. yes, i will stick to my story, knowing that there is always two sides to a coin. all is forgiven, but still...my car is full of my belongings that i wish i could toss over a bridge and watch scatter over the ocean and never think again about anything that was lost. but then i'd be polluting.
i have one last night at where i am staying, where i am grateful, to be able to do yoga and meditate again, alone, and in a peaceful place. then where? i hate to burden anyone now, especially after what i just went through. i am an intruder. people need their space. people require their space. don't enter their ora or else, you will be homeless. that's my lesson, unfortunately. another lesson i realized is that no matter what you say to someone or how earnestly you implore understanding, people will hear only the story they want. and i am no exception. i am human. i get angry, hungry, jealous, not so much greedy (only when there is only one orange skittle left in a bag that i'm sharing with someone else who also loves orange skittles; true story)
taste that fucking rainbow darlin'.
so today, i'm alone in someone else's apartment typing this lame story to myself. merry christmas rainbow. we all love you. we all adore you. we all need you.
the worst part of this love story is that i need all of you too. i love all of you. i adore all of you. i'm only still here because of all of the love that has been bestowed upon me by all of you.
i know i am not perfect. i extremely dislike lizards. i make more mistakes than the average person. i hurt more people than should be allowed by the police department. but know, i never mean to. there is no bad intention in my body towards anyone else. the only hurt comes from within which unfortunately radiates out at times and for this, i'm sorry world. i am my own kryptonite.
all i ever want to hear is "I love you, Rainbow." now you know, the voices in my head, they are real.

grandma

i arrived at home and ran straight for her. i saw into her eyes and fell down to hold her. she said my name and the family was all surprised she knew who i was. they said she's been loosing her mind slowly and most times she doesn't know who anyone is. she knew me. i am her soulmate.

all day i laid next to her, on the floor. she can't walk or get up into bed so we live our lives around her, on the floor in the living room.

that night i woke up to her banging on the front door, asking someone, a man, to open it. she was not in this world. she was talking to someone somewhere else. but she was not crazy. she was just somewhere else. but they wouldn't let her in yet so i had to go pick her up off the floor and carry her back to bed. i held her for as long as it took to fall asleep again.

today i got to bathe her for the first time in my life and all i could think about was when i had to bath my mother every day for months. i didn't let it make me sad. i stayed in each moment, pouring water over her half naked body (cambodian people still shower outside but with a sarong on), shampooing her hair and scrubbing her legs, arms and back. the most amazing part was when i looked over at my family watching me, grandma was laugh and joking like her usual self and i was kissing her head, and they were speechless. they said she has refused to bathe for days and whenever they do bathe her she kicks and screams. so today, it was a happy experience. then my family, one by one, helped washed parts of her body most western families would hire a nurse to do at this point. we dried her and dressed her and she was happy all day. now i watch her sleep as i type this to remember that perfect moment.