christmas: post apocalypse 2012

we survived the apocalypse that was a lie to begin with. i know now that i write this we will all die in flames. i'm sorry humanity. i'm also just kidding.
today i woke up alone with my dog at my feet in an apartment that isn't mine. i'm stranded, by choice, so i'm told by the loving roommate that kicked me out. yes, i will stick to my story, knowing that there is always two sides to a coin. all is forgiven, but still...my car is full of my belongings that i wish i could toss over a bridge and watch scatter over the ocean and never think again about anything that was lost. but then i'd be polluting.
i have one last night at where i am staying, where i am grateful, to be able to do yoga and meditate again, alone, and in a peaceful place. then where? i hate to burden anyone now, especially after what i just went through. i am an intruder. people need their space. people require their space. don't enter their ora or else, you will be homeless. that's my lesson, unfortunately. another lesson i realized is that no matter what you say to someone or how earnestly you implore understanding, people will hear only the story they want. and i am no exception. i am human. i get angry, hungry, jealous, not so much greedy (only when there is only one orange skittle left in a bag that i'm sharing with someone else who also loves orange skittles; true story)
taste that fucking rainbow darlin'.
so today, i'm alone in someone else's apartment typing this lame story to myself. merry christmas rainbow. we all love you. we all adore you. we all need you.
the worst part of this love story is that i need all of you too. i love all of you. i adore all of you. i'm only still here because of all of the love that has been bestowed upon me by all of you.
i know i am not perfect. i extremely dislike lizards. i make more mistakes than the average person. i hurt more people than should be allowed by the police department. but know, i never mean to. there is no bad intention in my body towards anyone else. the only hurt comes from within which unfortunately radiates out at times and for this, i'm sorry world. i am my own kryptonite.
all i ever want to hear is "I love you, Rainbow." now you know, the voices in my head, they are real.

tiny ants and rainbow glitter

my heart literally hurts. i'm having trouble breathing. day two of an entirely breaking heart. day three of a new york city heatwave. madness. heat. madness. the pressure is great and my body is so small that it should have burst into tiny little particles blanketing the earth with rainbow glitter. but i'm still here, pressurizing like a pot of rice. rice because i'm asian. i accept it all, breathe it all in no matter how difficult life becomes. i'm doing push ups in my mind, taping up my heart and filling in the holes in my head. once in a while another storm comes breaking me down. i rebuild, again and again. each time, i learn a new task, a new way to rebuild with new tools and each time it's a new house, similar to the old house but different, better, stronger.
i walked around the city today in the rain under an umbrella of cats. rain like monsoon rain so beautiful and scary like it was the end of the world. i watched people like ants. ants like people. people need identification and purpose. ants already have that. they are ants, they eat stuff and process it out their funny bums (and pretty quickly one would guess). then ants just build their homes all day, carrying leaves and dirt to and fro, all day. maybe ants do more things i don't know about, like go swimming or have dinner parties with other bugs.
alone in my room, the train just ten feet outside my window and people talking, experiencing their friday night. this is my friday night. i am a lucky little girl. i am happy and free. i have amazing human connections. i eat really really well and  have money to buy things i fancy like lavender bitters, indian spices, two slices of cheesecake i'll save for later and a carrot cake i eat while walking down park avenue in new york city. i stop to buy sparkling mineral water and add my lavender bitters to it. i ride home stopping to observe human interaction, say hello's and listen to struggles. i continue home to brooklyn, singing to no one but me.