december 11, 2013
alone again on one of the coldest nights in december. at least the heat works tonight. i do my best not to think about anything at all…but there are so many thoughts. i'm listening to a song i love that his friend wrote. maybe one day i'll meet this tony flaggs that wants to play for a linda, because then it would mean he's 'made it'.
i came home and opened my heart today. i opened it so much it burst into tiny little rainbow glitter and blanketed my floor and got into my ears. it feels like for so long my heart was locked up, so slowly each day i work to chisel the lock until i can one day love again. danny says it feels close and it will be amazing. i believe him because he's right about a lot of things and because i love him. you believe the people you love. you let them tell you things, like how beautiful you are and all you can do is believe them. this is nice.
sometimes, on strange days you decide not to believe them. then things become foreign, they become a stranger. the distance between you suddenly explodes like a bomb. you see them in the distance getting further and further and you want to let go. they reach out for a moment and you back away even further until the next thing you know you are running down that long corridor underground. when you get away you think that you are free but then you realize that it was all a dream. love is the only reality.
this time, unlike all the other times, you run back down that long cold corridor because if you run fast enough you can literally jump out of the dream.
sometimes when i walk or am just standing around, i stomp on the ground to make sure it's really there. in dreams, you can stomp on the ground and be transported to another dream. in reality, your foot just tingles.