Friday, June 22, 2012
my heart literally hurts. i'm having trouble breathing. day two of an entirely breaking heart. day three of a new york city heatwave. madness. heat. madness. the pressure is great and my body is so small that it should have burst into tiny little particles blanketing the earth with rainbow glitter. but i'm still here, pressurizing like a pot of rice. rice because i'm asian. i accept it all, breathe it all in no matter how difficult life becomes. i'm doing push ups in my mind, taping up my heart and filling in the holes in my head. once in a while another storm comes breaking me down. i rebuild, again and again. each time, i learn a new task, a new way to rebuild with new tools and each time it's a new house, similar to the old house but different, better, stronger.
i walked around the city today in the rain under an umbrella of cats. rain like monsoon rain so beautiful and scary like it was the end of the world. i watched people like ants. ants like people. people need identification and purpose. ants already have that. they are ants, they eat stuff and process it out their funny bums (and pretty quickly one would guess). then ants just build their homes all day, carrying leaves and dirt to and fro, all day. maybe ants do more things i don't know about, like go swimming or have dinner parties with other bugs.
alone in my room, the train just ten feet outside my window and people talking, experiencing their friday night. this is my friday night. i am a lucky little girl. i am happy and free. i have amazing human connections. i eat really really well and have money to buy things i fancy like lavender bitters, indian spices, two slices of cheesecake i'll save for later and a carrot cake i eat while walking down park avenue in new york city. i stop to buy sparkling mineral water and add my lavender bitters to it. i ride home stopping to observe human interaction, say hello's and listen to struggles. i continue home to brooklyn, singing to no one but me.